Dear Adeline and River,
I had a conversation last night that broke my heart and made me angry.
Around 9:45 last night I picked up a couple – I’m a Lyft driver on occasion. Let’s call them Sam and Amy. They were talkative, outgoing, and perhaps a touch overbearing. As we drove, a few things crystallized. Amy was not approving of what was about to take place. We were driving Sam to meet up with his friend. Amy made it very clear that she thought this friend was a complete jerk. She made it too clear. Not to be outdone, Sam chimed in and agreed wholeheartedly.
He was trying too hard.
I began to understand the energy between these two. She was desperately trying to express to her boyfriend how much she didn’t want him to hang out with this friend. But, naturally, she didn’t want to be a nag. She didn’t want to come across needy and insecure. It was real.
I dropped him off in Old Town Scottsdale, and then it was just me and Amy. Here is how the conversation went:
Me: “So what is it about Sam’s friend that makes you so uncomfortable?”
Amy: “Well, here’s the thing, he is 25 years old and lives in Scottsdale. His girlfriend lives in Tucson, she is 19, and he cheats on her all the time. He is always on Tinder looking to hook up with girls.”
Me: “Ahh, that makes sense, so it probably doesn’t make you feel very safe when your boyfriend goes and parties with him.”
Amy: “Ya…I want to be cool though, like, I don’t want to be overbearing. I want him to be a dude, ya know? I don’t want him to be, like a girl…”
Me: “What does that mean to you…for a guy to be a ‘dude’?
Amy: “Well, like go out with his buddies, flirt with other girls, you know…just be a dude…”
This girl’s soul is famished. She is in the desert, starving and dehydrated. She is desperately looking for an oasis and this twenty-five year old boy is feeding her twinkies. She believes that’s all there is. She is trapped. She doesn’t understand that she needs to look beyond a silly boy to find her nourishment.
Sam has convinced Amy that a real man just can’t help himself, that he has an itch to scratch. To his benefit, he has implanted the notion that a real dude needs to get out there to test the waters.
Because you know, boys will be boys. And that’s the lie. It is despicable and manipulative. It’s an insidious means to shed responsibility and place it squarely on your shoulders. If you complain or object, you aren’t letting him be a man! How dare you? How could you be such a nag? A cool girlfriend lets her boyfriend hang out in Scottsdale with a chronic cheater. Because, you know, you should trust him.
Girls, please run from these types of boys. You are worth so much more. You deserve somebody who is true, faithful, and listens to your needs. You want a man who will walk up to his cheating buddy and tell him, “Either I tell her or you tell her…either way, though, she is going to find out.”
Adeline and River, your value is far beyond what any man can bestow. Sure, it feels good to be liked, but the moment you place your self-worth in the hands of a boyfriend, you begin to lose yourself. Your boundaries are trampled and you end up starving in the desert, surrounded by Twinkies.
I won’t always be around to chase away the boys. So, I hope to raise you with a strong sense of self, a good relationship with God, and strong internal boundaries.
No little boy (no matter his age) will ever have this much power over you.
Not on my watch.
I have two teenage daughters and I’m constantly trying to teach them this lesson.
Good on you for recognizing this and trying to instill in them RIGHT NOW that they are, and always be, worth more than the value placed on them by others. Keep at it!
Thanks Ashley. I am sure the teenage years is when this kind of thing becomes front and center.
Wow, does it ever!
This is great! I think everyone should read this piece regardless of age.
Reblogged this on The Squibbler.
When you tolerate less than you want, you better be prepared to live with it. If you don’t raise your own standards of what’s acceptable, no one’s going to do it for you!
Many of my girl friends make excuses for their boyfriend’s “harmless” on-the-side activities and actually believe that those are common among all boys. These are same girls who used to hold such high ideals prior to their respective relationships. Thus, they think it’s only the innocent, naive singles who would cling to the idea of a man who doesn’t cheat in whatever form.
Girls everywhere need to see a post like this from a man. Thank you for this. 🙂
I think it’s because so many young women today are shallow themselves and don’t have the “tools” or instinct to find decent men. They think a “good catch” is a hot guy who has money, instead of looking for depth of character, IMO.
This is so spot on…nobody should have their self-worth be defined by anyone else and should have the courage to feel comfortable being themselves.
Im reblogging this, because I could not agree more. . .
You are beyond an awesome dad! Your writing is so genuine and straight forward, I respect that and I know your girls will too! I am definitely reblogging!
Reblogged this on |Natural Momma Speaks| and commented:
This RIGHT HERE! MUST READ! An honest reminder from a genuine guy and father to women and girls to know your worth and to men and boys respect yourself and do the right thing! If we would remember that we teach our children what they should and shouldn’t tolerate, but most of all we teach people how to treat us..SO WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING?!?!?!!!!!!
Reblogged this on aswilliams11.