Revenge

Sons,

I don’t know if you’ll have Twitter when you’re older, so I wanted to make sure I captured this story that I therapeutically put out into Internetland earlier this evening.

Living with people is weird. I love your mother, and I love all of you, and I know this will be funny when I wake up in the morning, but right now I still have a bit of steam coming from the ears.

Enjoy.

I'm going to tell a story.

— Ralph Amsden IV (@ralphamsden) February 28, 2014

I was looking at funny pictures on the internet with my lovely wife when a strong foul odor hit us both.

— Ralph Amsden IV (@ralphamsden) February 28, 2014

It was definitely the smell of feces, and with 2 dogs, 2 lizards, an infant, and a 4 year old who DGAF, it could have come from anywhere.

— Ralph Amsden IV (@ralphamsden) February 28, 2014

After looking around, I see our 100+ lb pit-bull mix cowering in the corner, only he's a darker color than usual.

— Ralph Amsden IV (@ralphamsden) February 28, 2014

I thought it was bad lighting, but no, he was covered from head to toe in liquid diarrhea. It was rank. Second worst smell I've experienced

— Ralph Amsden IV (@ralphamsden) February 28, 2014

I gagged so hard that the baby started to cry, and then I couldn't stop gagging. I threw up, and my wife pointed and laughed hysterically.

— Ralph Amsden IV (@ralphamsden) February 28, 2014

Before I could catch my breath, she called "Not it!" Because I guess we're in junior high. Every time I thought about cleaning him, I gagged

— Ralph Amsden IV (@ralphamsden) February 28, 2014

I finally worked up the courage to clean him off, but it's cold outside, so he ran away from the hose, dripping liquid poop everywhere.

— Ralph Amsden IV (@ralphamsden) February 28, 2014

My wife comes outside to enjoy the show, and asks me a question that I respond tersely to, because y'know, poopsplosion.

— Ralph Amsden IV (@ralphamsden) February 28, 2014

She begins to lecture me on my tone. MY TONE. MY FRIGGEN TONE. Meanwhile, our hose hasn't been used in ages, so it bursts and drenches me.

— Ralph Amsden IV (@ralphamsden) February 28, 2014

I finally yell I HAVE A TONE BECAUSE YOU CALLED "NOT IT" AND MOCKED ME WHILE I CHOKED ON MY OWN VOMIT. Again, poop is everywhere.

— Ralph Amsden IV (@ralphamsden) February 28, 2014

My wife is clearly enjoying this. I grumble a few things and she goes inside. That's when I hear a violent scream from inside the house.

— Ralph Amsden IV (@ralphamsden) February 28, 2014

It was our middle child, he caught his finger in the door, and was sobbing. I got to him before my wife did, and he showed me which finger.

— Ralph Amsden IV (@ralphamsden) February 28, 2014

I immediately said "you need to go show your mom, and please hold it up high." He did. We're even. pic.twitter.com/yaVZSxNnM9

— Ralph Amsden IV (@ralphamsden) February 28, 2014

I apologize for using you all as a pawn for revenge, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Love,

Dad