Dear Malin Reese,
I see what you’re choosing to become and I won’t accept it. The sly smiles you give every female you both know and don’t know. You practically bit your upper lip and winked at the check-out girl while we were at Target tonight. Then, we loaded you into the car and that vile song “Same Love” by Macklemore was playing. You immediately fell into the rhythm of the song …and smiled again. By the way, we’re getting a new car in January and I want you to know we won’t be buying a goddamn hatchback Subaru. And another thing: When we were in that coffee shop in Ballard this weekend and the butch girl with the short hair, tattoos and hairy armpits sat down next to us, you should have noticed that I glared and looked at her with disgust until she got up and left. Instead, you sat there and smiled as you always do, condoning the fact that she is living a life in defiance of God. Hear me now; that devil woman better enjoy her time on Earth because she is going to spend Eternity in Hell. Malin Reese, I see what you’re choosing to become and I won’t accept it.
You are 10 months old in a couple days and unfortunately they don’t have any gay rehabilitation camps available for kids your age. Rest assured, I already have you on the waiting lists for the top five camps in the country and am petitioning to get you admitted as soon as possible. Malin Reese, I brought you into this world and I have a responsibility to keep you a normal, respectable woman. Until then, I’ll kneel next to your crib every night, clasp my hands tightly together and try my best to pray away the gay. Malin Reese, I see what you’re choosing to become and I won’t love you if you don’t choose to change course.
Dear Malin Reese,
I chose to write this letter because I love you as a human being and you need to know that the person above will never exist in your life. No one chooses to be gay or straight. You’re born digging either female parts or man parts. I happen to like lady parts although due to my soft features and penchant for cardigans, I’ve oft been mistaken for the gay nanny when we are out together. Whatever you were born to be, just be that person. Who knows, maybe someday we’ll grab a beer and bond over the female form. And for the record, sweet, innocent, beautiful Malin Reese, I see the little person you’re becoming and I couldn’t be prouder.