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Wyoming born. Arizona raised. Sports Reporter. Trying to live a life of gratitude. Not a fan of pineapples.

When YOU steal, you should launder and diversify!

M & J-

Despite all of your mother’s love, and all of my cautionary tales, a possibility exists that we will not be able to prevent one or the both of you from participation in some type of criminal enterprise.

This letter isn’t meant to discourage you from criminal activity- instead, it is being written with the intention of offering you some guidance and suggestions in the event you have chosen to live a life outside the law.

This letter stems from finding out today that my debit card information was stolen, and used to make a large number of online purchases from various retailers across the country. Our bank noticed the odd transactions and put a hold on the account before too many of the charges went through- but it’s a couple of the fraudulent purchases the thieves managed to complete that gave me pause.

$132 to Domino’s Pizza in Bronx, New York.
$104 to FTD Flowers Online.

Flowers and pizza? How the hell is it that someone could have the ambition and skill to steal my debit card number, but lack the sense to maximize the fruits of their criminal labor?

First let us address the pizza- ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY TWO DOLLARS? AT DOMINO’S? What did they do, buy the franchise? That’s a whole lot of 5.99 medium one-topping slices of cheesy fraudulence… Moreover, they were delivered somewhere in New York! If you’re gonna drop a hundo on the greatest circular culinary creation of all time, aren’t there at least a thousand better options in the Bronx?

And Flowers? Does the moral basement they dwell in need livening up, or is there a Mrs. Crook somewhere pruning pink carnations? Even worse, all this did when your mother pulled up our online bank statement was excite her at the possibility of receiving a nice bouquet for all her hard work and sacrifice keeping our family clothed, fed and marginally functional. Instead she has to find out our information has been compromised, there is no floral arrangement headed her way, and the damn thieves come off looking more considerate than I do!

Sons- the thing you need to know, if petty larceny is your thing, is that the above purchases are the absolute worst route you can go. Be a criminal with some sense- buy electronics, things that have a good resale value, hock that for cash, and put some away for your future. When YOU steal, you should launder and diversify! Make progress until you can take your crookedness to a whole new level, where these activities are encouraged- Wall Street. Pizza lasts a couple nights, and flowers are in the process of dying once they reach your doorstep. Think about your future! I know that long term goals and 20/20 foresight aren’t the typical characteristics of a career criminal, but you both better promise me you’ll do better than pizza and flowers.

Love-

Dad.

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