Stuck on the roof of our house.

M & J-

I spent about 90 minutes yesterday stuck on the roof of our house.

A little background- your mother watches a television program called Law & Order: SVU. It’s been on a long time, and there’s no reason to believe it won’t be on when you’re old enough to waste nights on prime time television. The content of this program tends to give the female species days filled with paranoia, and nights filled with awful dreams, so it would make complete sense that your mother falls asleep watching re-run marathons of this show 4 nights a week, right? Right. Anyway- she wakes at the slightest noise, completely convinced of impending doom, and usually is only able to fall asleep again after convincing me to check the deadbolt… because violent criminals are apparently very easily deterred by locks.

Cut to yesterday at 12:30am, your mom wakes me from an idiot slumber by telling me someone was trying to get in the house. I can clearly hear the sound of someone trying to shake our side gate open, so I leap out of bed and run outside with my trusty grill brush in hand (don’t laugh, that thing will cause serious damage), but no one is outside, and the sound is gone. Shaken, I return to the bedroom to inform my wife that we are, for the moment, safe, and then THERE IT WAS AGAIN, even louder this time. Convinced that we were under attack, I bravely darted outside again, into the freezing cold night and found…. nothing.

This went on for three hours.

In the morning, groggy from the lack of sleep and unable to warm up from the time spent marching the perimeter of our house, I had forgotten all about the strange noise. You were both away at daycare, and your mother was at work, leaving me home to catch up on rest I had missed the night before, when around 11am, I heard the noise again. This time, louder than ever. I ran outside, and for the first time, I noticed that it wasn’t coming from anywhere inside or outside our yard- it was coming from the roof. I grabbed a ladder and found that our attic had a door that had managed to come open, and gusts of wind were causing it to scrape against the trim of the house, and then violently slam shut. That’s when I got a little too excited about cracking the case, and hoisted myself onto the roof to latch the door. Our dogs, which sometimes act more human than the both of you, tried to follow me up the ladder. Instead they knocked it over.

I was stuck.

Of course I was basically still in pajamas from the night before. And shoeless. Luckily, I had my phone on me and was able to call your mother… but she didn’t answer right away. All in all, I was on the roof, contemplating a leap into the cold swimming pool below, for all of 90 minutes. When your mother finally got home, I was embarrassed, freezing, humbled and bored out of my mind. I thought for a moment that my heroic deed would get me out of being ridiculed and teased all afternoon. It didn’t.

Usually there’s a veiled motive or overall theme I try and stress to you kids in these letters. There really isn’t one here. I just want you to know that I was stuck on our roof. In fact, Micah, when Erin told you that I had been stranded up there, your completely genuine response became the highlight of my day: “That’s Awesome.” It wasn’t, but I’m glad you’re impressed.

Some day you’re going to do something stupid, and the only victim will be your own pride. When you do possess the ability to feel embarrassed, just know I’ve been there too. Repeatedly.

Love,

-Dad