We can’t have you yelling “HEEEEEEEEEY SEXY LADY” every time you see someone of Asian descent

I’m sitting here watching the both of you fight naps with the fortitude and stubbornness of those that were at the battle of the Alamo, and I can’t help but wonder what 2013 will bring to this household.

Today we begin the process of attempting to uphold what we call “resolutions,” a list of things we want to do, be or accomplish in the oncoming months. A slight majority of the time, these resolutions deal with an area of our own lives where we aren’t entirely satisfied. Usually we notice the issue(s) some time in the early fall, and just wait for the new year to roll around before making a hopeful declaration about what we plan to do. Resolutions are rarely accomplished in full, or without extreme struggle. The only one I’ve ever managed to keep came back in 2005- I gave up MTV and VH1 for fear that brilliant TV programs like “Real World Road Rules Challenge” were taking over my life. I haven’t tuned back in for 8 years.

At your age, you have no reason for the type of introspection it would take to make a resolution, but you can trust that your parents’ dissatisfaction with any number of odd quirks you both possess (that we actively caused or contributed to) will come under fire. Get ready.

Jett: For you, today is the day we decimate and dispose of your hoard of pacifiers… The one thing that has been able to bring some semblance of calm to the hurricane of havoc you wreak upon the world from 5:50am to 9:15pm, seven days a week. For now, Spider-Man himself telling us to tell you that “big boys don’t have nooks” is enough, but I imagine this going about as well as a heroin addict quitting cold turkey. It’s for the best though… you’re a few months from being 4, and without us making you, I know you’d never give them, up… you can’t keep a collection of pacifiers AND be a well adjusted adult, can you?

Micah: For you, we’re going to slow things down a bit technologically. Ever since you discovered YouTube and learned to search and sort through videos yourself, you have mastered a number of “party tricks.” That is to say you have learned many skills that are wholly unusable in the real world, but fun to exploit for the amusement of myself and my friends. Some of these “party tricks” include being able to name every single dinosaur and the era in which they lived, and every single word/dance move of “Gangnam Style.” The problem we’re encountering is that you often think of yourself as more dinosaur and less human. When someone takes a toy from you at Daycare, you roar and gnash your teeth. When your mother serves you vegetables, you claim to be a strict carnivore. These things can’t continue, and that’s on us.

Regarding Gangnam Style- perhaps this K-Pop phenomena has been one of your only instances of exposure to Asian culture thus far, but we can’t have you yelling “HEEEEEEEEEY SEXY LADY” every time you see someone of Asian descent at the mall.

No more Youtube. I know you’ll be pissed for a while, but I like to think you’ll thank us for making these resolutions for you so you don’t have to when you’re in your 20s.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, time to go do what I do every January 1st- go stare at the work out equipment or a few minutes and think to myself “Theres always next year.”


MJ Formal

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