I’m a little bit fat


I watched you eat your customary six meals today, as I do every day, in complete astonishment. I’m not sure how you’re going to keep doing that. It’s gross.

Because of you, I’ve had to Google search terms like “is eating more than three bananas dangerous,” and “side affects of eating straight Crisco.” You’re a consumption machine. Luckily for your mother and I, your favorite foods are fruits and vegetables… for now.

I’m proud that I’ve never been swayed by the latest diet fashions, duped by the newest fitness equipment that is made to work you out while you “lounge,” fooled into taking suddenly popular supplements with questionable side affects, braved hormone injections, violently vacuumed out cellulite, suffered though rectal cleansing, binged, purged, or used my uvula as a vomit-inducing punching bag. Also, I don’t own a shake weight.

All that being said, I’m a little bit fat.

I might not be able to keep you from stealing half a dozen packages of string-cheese out of the fridge daily- but I will do my best to make sure you know that struggling with weight issues and the health problems that can be associated with those struggles, is no way to go through life.

Your body is a temple, and while you might store more furniture in your temple than most- we still need to make sure the rooms of the temple are feng shui (Thus concludes the dumbest metaphor of all time).

What I’m trying to say is I’m going to work to get in shape, so I can set the example you’re obviously going to be in need of when you discover the wonder that is Elmer’s Tacos, and also have the means of transportation to get yourself there.



I’m also a bit concerned about your affinity for candy cigarettes…

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