Steve Urkel should annoy you, not cause you anxiety

Micah & Jett-

I don’t intend to rant at you guys about the superiority of yesteryear, how technologically spoiled you are, and how little you appreciate that fact… but I suppose if it wasn’t for those topics, adults and youth wouldn’t have anything to talk about.

Please, just do this one thing for me when you’re old enough for it to be applicable- be a good neighbor.

Our current neighbors suck. I know I’m not supposed to use that sort of language, but let’s be honest- if you cut an inch off every straw in their house, they wouldn’t suck any less.

They’re college-age kids who party long and loud, which is fine, but not on weeknights. They have a pig that eats holes in our fence, and a vicious dog that attacks our pups through the pig-holes. They throw their trash near the recycle bin instead of in it. They park in front of our driveway almost every day. Worst of all, they never say hello.

Minus the farm animals, our previous neighbors acted similarly, but at least they had the courtesy of waiving when they saw me out collecting their cans of bee… er, I mean “mommy drinks” from our yard. With that action alone, they’re probably the second-best neighbors we’ve ever had. The first were some squatters named Angel (19) and Peaches (11) who lived with their “uncle” Mike. Angel vandalized my car, and Peaches stole a bird’s nest out of our front yard, but they were nice kids. When they skipped town after selling a Mustang they never possessed (I can’t wait for you kids to find out about the beautiful world of Craig’s list), I was actually sad. Growing up, all the neighbors knew each other. Your uncle Cody has been my best friend for 20 years based solely on the fact that we lived on intersecting streets. If I randomly met that guy today, there’s probably no way we’d be friends… but that’s off topic.

I hear people say all the time that they enjoy the privacy of quiet neighborhoods. They don’t mind that the only time they see their neighbors is the glimpse of the backs of their tennis shoes as the automatic garage door closes. It stings when I hear that, because it’s morally wrong. Now, there’s nothing bad about introversion, but everything about “avoiding community” seems erosive to the soul. Online communities are nice, but there’s no ‘like’ or ‘retweet’ that has ever rivaled a simple person to person smile.

It pains me to realize that the television cliche of “borrowing a cup of sugar” is now as antiquated as “dialing the operator.” Steve Urkel should annoy you, not cause you anxiety. Kramer popping into Jerry’s appointment is funny, not breaking and entering… and if these shows aren’t still in syndication when you’re old enough to understand, just trust that what I wrote is awesomely poignant.

With all sincerity, get off my lawn.

-Your grumpy old Dad.